Day 126: Father vs. Mother

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The father is always a Republican toward his son, and his mother’s always a Democrat.
-Robert Frost

In light of the context that I’ve seen between the Republicans and Democrats in my time, I think that Robert Frost couldn’t be more on the mark. It is a common tactic of children to try a difficult question on one parent and if they don’t like the answer, they go to the other parent who sees things a bit differently. Just like in politics, the greatest good usually comes when there’s a compromise and communication between the two parties.

Let your children know that you and your wife make decisions together. Discuss with your children their difficult questions and let all sides be heard. What you have decided, the decision should come from both of you so that you do not run the risk of having a house divided.

Day 105: Galaxy’s Greatest Dad

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Shouldn’t it be “Galaxy’s Greatest Dad” or something?

My wife bought me this t-shirt for my last birthday, and of course I laughed a lot about it. It was also kind of sad in a way. Darth Vader could have been the world’s greatest dad if things had gone a little different. Then he turned to the Dark Side.  Even if he wore this apron, I bet no one had the guts to make fun of him.

The moral of this story is…don’t turn to the Dark Side.

Day 56: Boys’ Father’s Day Jokes Part V

Source: http://boyslife.org/features/20917/20-funny-jokes-for-fathers-day/

Dan: I made a bad mistake today and gave my dad some soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.
Jan: Was he mad?
Dan: Yup. He was foaming at the mouth!

– Submitted by Daniel R., Dickinson, Tex.


Manny: How do you like the drum set you got for your birthday?
Theo: I love it!
Manny: Why?
Theo: Whenever I don’t play it, my dad gives me 10 bucks!

– Submitted by Alvin F., Union City, Calif.


Dad: Son, if you keep pulling my hair, you will have to get off my shoulders.
Tiger Cub: But, Dad, I’m just trying to get my gum back!

– Submitted by Ken R., Sparta, Mich.


Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

– Submitted by Jacob P., Orem, Utah

 

Day 49: Boys’ Father’s Day Jokes Part IV

Source: http://boyslife.org/features/20917/20-funny-jokes-for-fathers-day/

Jon: What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father?

Tom: What?

Jon: One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop.

– Submitted by Jon W., Stroudsburg, Pa.

Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?

Voice: This is my father.

– Submitted by Mike I., Midland, Mich.

Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.

Johnny: I don’t have it.

Johnny’s father: Why not?

Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

– Submitted by Tyler H., Blacklick, Ohio

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.

“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.

After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, nothing,” the boy said.  “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

– Submitted by Mark Y., Glendora, Calif.

A small boy was at the zoo with his father.  They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

“ …Which bus would I take home?”

– Submitted by Gholson D. G., Gaithersburg, Md.

Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?

Science student: When my father sees my report card!

– Submitted by Michael H., Canton, Ohio

Joe: What does your father do for a living?

Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

– Submitted by Jonathan W., Stroudsburg, Pa.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

– Submitted by Daniel C., Urbana, Ill.

A book never written: “Fatherly Advice” by Buck L. Upson.

– Submitted by Aaron and Andrew M., Redondo Beach, Calif.

Son: For $20, I’ll be good.

Dad: Oh, yeah?  When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

– Submitted by Robby S., Putnam Valley, N.Y.

Pee Wee: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice?

Westy: Beats me.

Pee Wee: A POPsicle!

– Submitted by Philip K., Marshalltown, Iowa

Pee Wee: How is the baby bird like its dad?

Westy: How?

Pee Wee: It’s a chirp off the old block.

– Submitted by David D., Guyton, Ga.

Dad: How do you like fourth grade?

Son: It isn’t much fun.

Dad: That’s too bad. It was the best three years of my life!

– Submitted by Luke A., Tucson, Ariz.

Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?

Dad: No.

Son: Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!

– Submitted by Steven F. II, Naperville, Ill.

Jacob: I have a lot of my dad’s genes.

Dave: Really? I bet they don’t fit.

– Submitted by David B., North Muskegon, Mich.

Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.

Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!

– Submitted by Matt A., Bellevue, Neb.

Day 42: Boys’ Life Father’s Day Jokes Part III

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A book never written: “Fatherly Advice” by Buck L. Upson.

– Submitted by Aaron and Andrew M., Redondo Beach, Calif.

Son: For $20, I’ll be good.

Dad: Oh, yeah?  When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

– Submitted by Robby S., Putnam Valley, N.Y.

Pee Wee: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice?

Westy: Beats me.

Pee Wee: A POPsicle!

– Submitted by Philip K., Marshalltown, Iowa

Pee Wee: How is the baby bird like its dad?

Westy: How?

Pee Wee: It’s a chirp off the old block.

– Submitted by David D., Guyton, Ga.

Day 35: Boys’ Life Father’s Day Jokes Part II

 

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Source: http://boyslife.org/features/20917/20-funny-jokes-for-fathers-day/

A small boy was at the zoo with his father.  They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

“ …Which bus would I take home?”

– Submitted by Gholson D. G., Gaithersburg, Md.

Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?

Science student: When my father sees my report card!

– Submitted by Michael H., Canton, Ohio

Joe: What does your father do for a living?

Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

– Submitted by Jonathan W., Stroudsburg, Pa.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

– Submitted by Daniel C., Urbana, Ill.

Boys’ Life Father’s Day Jokes, Part I

Many lessons my father taught me came through my membership in the Boy Scouts of America. Between campouts and pinewood derbies, I eagerly watched the mailbox for my copy of Boys’ Life, the scouting magazine.

Sure, I read some things about mainstream scouting, but I have to admit, I always read the jokes first.

Source: http://boyslife.org/features/20917/20-funny-jokes-for-fathers-day/

 

Jon: What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father?

Tom: What?

Jon: One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop.

– Submitted by Jon W., Stroudsburg, Pa.

Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?

Voice: This is my father.

– Submitted by Mike I., Midland, Mich.

Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.

Johnny: I don’t have it.

Johnny’s father: Why not?

Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

– Submitted by Tyler H., Blacklick, Ohio

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.

“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.

After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, nothing,” the boy said.  “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

– Submitted by Mark Y., Glendora, Calif.

Day 21: Slumber Party Essentials

What childhood would be complete with slumber parties? My parents actually went back and forth on them. They started out in favor of them, but they got a worse and worse reputation as time went on with my younger siblings. My kids like their own beds so much, I think it will be a while before it even comes up.

In speaking of slumber parties, I found this funny story/guide about throwing them. See if there’s anything you would add to Jimmy’s slumber party essentials. Enjoy!

Slumber Party
by Jimmy Patterson
It was weighing heavy on her mind. She wanted to ask a really important question, but she wasn’t exactly sure how to word it.

Finally, she mustered the necessary courage.

“Dad,” she said. “Can I ask you a really, really important question?”

“Absolutely, sweetheart,” I said, a calm assuredness in my tone, hoping to convey the proper concern.

“Can I have a slumber party on my birthday?”

I smiled, knowing how much intestinal fortitude it took for her to ask that question.

“That’s an easy one,” I told her. “Beats me, ask your mother.”

Whew. I was off the hook. Relieved of an important decision by the finest three words ever strung together for fathers around the world.

Ask … your … mother. Few things sound as sweet.

Apparently, mom said yes, because about 6 o’clock the next Friday, what seemed like every 12-year-old girl in town piled into our house. There was so much preteen spark and excitement coursing through our house we had enough energy for a manned mission to Mars.

I guess what disturbed me most about the entire evening was, at about the same time all these giddy girls came walking through the door, Mrs. P also came home from work, announcing that she was really afraid she was coming down with the stomach flu that had been going around at work.

Last time I saw her, she was blazing a trail to the bedroom. I saw the door shut, I heard the lock click. A few minutes later I heard the water running and then I knew … I would be alone that night in a house with an uncomfortably large number of 12-year-old girls.

Just shoot me now.

After the initial panic subsided, I came to emotional grips with the night that lie before me, I was actually able to formulate a plan for the evening that I hope dads everywhere will find beneficial.

First, tell your wife you hope there’s no chance she’ll be sick that night. Promise her a trip to Cancun. It’s worth it. Dads were not invented to preside over 12-year-old female slumber parties. They are unequipped to go it alone.

As for the girls, all of them were running around my house screaming something indecipherable about Hanson and, ouch, I still get shudders down my spine thinking about it all. I’ve had hernia repairs that have been more tolerable.

If you do find yourself in charge of large amounts of 12-year-olds, let me offer these suggestions for a party that even Martha Stewart would be envy:

1. Pizza. Just buy a lot of it. Make absolutely certain not to ask the girls what kind of pizza they want. For sanity’s sake, just get everyone pepperoni. If they don’t like pepperoni they can pick it off and throw it at the dorky boy that they really like on the bus the next Monday morning.

2. Soda. Be practical here and just hire someone who drives a delivery truck, have him back it up to the house and run a hose through the front door, a door which will no doubt remain open for the entire course of the party. Doors, of course, are not necessary on houses that contain children.

3. Videos. When your daughter turns 12, the days when the family could sit down and watch a warm message-laden movie like “Shane” or “Old Yeller” or “Shaggy Dog” are over. For movies to make any sense to a 12-year-old these days, there has to be a lot of gross bodily functions emanating and a lot of preteen boys playing hockey. The movie also must contain one hunk o’ the month. For 12-year-olds, Jonathan Taylor Thomas is out. Leonardo Di Caprio is the guy. At least until February.

4. An exhaust fan. This is perhaps the most essential piece of slumber party equipment. When a group of 12-year-old females congregate for the purpose of a birthday party, the birthday girl will get a lifetime supply of fingernail polish. And with fingernail polish comes lots of fingernail polish fumes. The kind that give you really big headaches.

5. Extra-Strength Pain Reliever. Buy it by the boatload.

6. Coffee. Develop an intimate friendship with that guy from South America who’s in those commercials, always showing up in grocery store aisles with his donkey. Don’t bother to mix the coffee grounds with water. Just sprinkle the entire pound on top of your corn flakes.

7a. Chips. If given the opportunity, 12-year-old females will literally inhale a Frito factory. Get every 12-year-old in town over at your house and your gonna need a lot of chips.

7b. Popcorn. When these 12-year-old girls are done eating a path through every bag of chips in your house, they will next proceed to the popcorn. I’m 38. I no longer understand how or why the human body is capable of processing pound after pound of salt. It’s baffling, and disturbing to behold.

7c. Chocolate. After the chips and the popcorn are gone, these little debutantes will next move to chocolate. Anything not nailed down that is chocolate will be sniffed out by their highly-sensitive pre-teen noses.

Here’s hoping your kid has a happy birthday this year, and you are given enough of a chance to escape to a foreign land when your wife mentions a stomach bug going around anywhere near the date of your daughter’s birthday.

A Little About Jimmy Patterson
My name is Jimmy Patterson. I write a weekly parenting humor column for the Midland (Texas) Reporter-Telegram, and have been for five years. My work has also been published in family newsmagazines from San Angelo, Texas, to Atlanta. I have recieved reprint requests from parenting club newsletter editors from Iowa to Chicago, and from San Francisco to Australia and Nova Scotia.

My columns feature stories from a dad’s point of view, about my three kids, who range in age from 5 to 13. While it is true that my columns are about my family, I believe their popularity and humor stems more from the fact that what I actually do is write about everyone’s family. Situations in which a lot of families find themselves.

Please feel free to send Jimmy your comments about his work!

From: http://fatherhood.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=fatherhood&cdn=parenting&tm=374&f=20&tt=14&bt=1&bts=14&zu=http%3A//www.thelaboroflove.com/forum/jpatterson/2.html

 

Day 14: Twelve Tests to See If You’re Ready to Be a Parent

Family

I know that before I became a father, I didn’t know if I was ready to be one.  I did have the advantage of having been raised as the oldest of eight children, and so having young children around wasn’t a completely foreign concept. I had changed diapers, dressed and fed children, and had logged many hours of tending them growing up.

Then again, I always had the safety net of my parents. Now, this child was going to be my own. The buck would stop with me.

I found this lighthearted site the other day that helps you realize whether or not you are ready to put up with the ups and downs of parenthood.

Follow the link and see what you’re in for: http://fatherhood.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=fatherhood&cdn=parenting&tm=13&f=20&tt=14&bt=1&bts=14&zu=http%3A//www.thelaboroflove.com/forum/nick/parenthood.html

Question: How many do you think you can handle? These are only the first steps… What tests would you add to these?

Day 7: iDad

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Dealing with the level of technology we do today is not something generations before us faced to such an overwhelming degree. What might have seemed like Star Trek technology 20 years ago is readily accessible today. Captain Kirk could only wish he had an iPhone!

Technology can be a great thing, even in parenting. My children especially love to use my iPhone to take pictures and then look at them afterwards. They pose doing something funny and then I snap a picture of them and vice versa. There are all sorts of educational games and interactive storybooks for smart phones that can be used to facilitate time with your children.

Contrary to how it may seem, the human brain can only truly concentrate on one thing at once. If you are checking your email, getting an update on sport scores, or updating your status, you can’t really pay attention to your kids. I’m not saying that you should all throw your phones down the nearest storm drain, but each of us needs to be vigilant.

I make it a point to set aside a time, for me, right after work, in which I turn my phone off and concentrate completely on my children. I let them tell me what they want to do, and fully invest my time in them. My kids are so entertaining most days, they put any app to shame.