Jon: What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father?
Jon: One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop.
– Submitted by Jon W., Stroudsburg, Pa.
Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.
– Submitted by Mike I., Midland, Mich.
Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.
– Submitted by Tyler H., Blacklick, Ohio
“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.
“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.
After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
– Submitted by Mark Y., Glendora, Calif.
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“ …Which bus would I take home?”
– Submitted by Gholson D. G., Gaithersburg, Md.
Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Science student: When my father sees my report card!
– Submitted by Michael H., Canton, Ohio
Joe: What does your father do for a living?
Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
– Submitted by Jonathan W., Stroudsburg, Pa.
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
– Submitted by Daniel C., Urbana, Ill.
A book never written: “Fatherly Advice” by Buck L. Upson.
– Submitted by Aaron and Andrew M., Redondo Beach, Calif.
Son: For $20, I’ll be good.
Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.
– Submitted by Robby S., Putnam Valley, N.Y.
Pee Wee: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice?
Westy: Beats me.
Pee Wee: A POPsicle!
– Submitted by Philip K., Marshalltown, Iowa
Pee Wee: How is the baby bird like its dad?
Pee Wee: It’s a chirp off the old block.
– Submitted by David D., Guyton, Ga.
Dad: How do you like fourth grade?
Son: It isn’t much fun.
Dad: That’s too bad. It was the best three years of my life!
– Submitted by Luke A., Tucson, Ariz.
Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?
Son: Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!
– Submitted by Steven F. II, Naperville, Ill.
Jacob: I have a lot of my dad’s genes.
Dave: Really? I bet they don’t fit.
– Submitted by David B., North Muskegon, Mich.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
– Submitted by Matt A., Bellevue, Neb.